Sarah Elisabeth July 27, 2014 7lbs 13oz 16" long Arrived at 12:26pm
We still haven't heard back on the edited pictures so I will try to find some that should be OK to share.
This is going to be a hard post to write. I'm not even sure where to begin.
When we found out we were expecting again I was happy and nervous all at the same time. The baby was due just a few weeks before my 40th birthday and I knew my chances of having a special needs baby were much greater than they were when I was younger. Throughout the pregnancy I felt something wasn't quite right, but I never said a word to anyone because saying it out loud somehow would make it a reality. When we had the ultrasound at 20 weeks there was one point, one view, where in my head I just knew she had Down's Syndrome. Nobody else said anything. The Dr. asked the ultrasound tech if everything was alright and she said yes, so I dismissed my feelings as fears and never said anything.
When I was 28 weeks along I went into pre-term labor. If I had known then what I know now, I wouldn't have stopped the labor. Maybe we would have had a little while with her before she passed away. Shortly after that I started gaining weight really fast. I was uncomfortable all the time, sometimes it was constant pain no matter what I did. I was putting on a lot of water. I didn't have any of the other symptoms of pre-eclampsea so that was dismissed. When I started putting on about a pound a day the Dr.ordered an ultrasound, but it was over a holiday weekend so I couldn't get in for an ultrasound for almost a week. I never made it to that appointment.
On Saturday July 26th I didn't feel the baby move much. I kept poking at my belly and trying to make her move, but with all that fluid it didn't do much. When I went to bed that night I remember praying and asking to just feel her move and give some really good kicks. I fell asleep. When I woke up I was having contractions and spotting a little so we woke up Morgyn to let her know and we went to the hospital. We got there about 6:30am and they couldn't find a heartbeat with their monitors so they dried the doppler heart monitor. They still couldn't find a heartbeat so they called my Dr. who ordered an ultrasound right away. They turned the monitor so I couldn't see it and one of the nurses stood in front of Jared so he couldn't see it either, but he's pretty tall so he just had to stand up and could see it fine. There was no heartbeat. There was swelling on her brain, and Jared told me when they increased the intensity, you could see her organs were all enlarged. They called my Dr. back but he was in a council meeting and his wife said he would get there as soon as he could. They checked me at this point to see how far along I was and I was at a 7. I asked for an epidural right away because I usually go pretty fast from that point and quite frankly I had been so uncomfortable for over a month and I was looking forward to some relief! They tried to get the IV started, but that was a joke. I was so swollen that it took at least 7 tries before they finally got a vein to take. They just kept blowing out. The anesthesiologist got there about 9:30. He had a little bit of a hard time as well. He kept hitting a nerve that went down my left leg. I would get shooting pain down my leg as well as my leg kicking without effort from me. He was finally able to get it in and they got the pitocin going shortly after that. My Dr. got there about 10 and broke my water. About a half hour later I was ready but he had a hard time getting the baby to drop because there was so much fluid. All of my babies have been born with about 10 minutes or so of pushing. This was a whole new ballgame for me. I was so numb I couldn't feel anything. My legs were like foreign objects to me, although I could still feel pain in my stomach. Everyone kept saying, "you're almost there!". After an hour I called them on it telling them they had been saying that for an hour. My Dr. kept saying her shoulders were just so big. She had her hand by her face and was coming face first. He was using the vacuum and it kept popping off. One time he almost fell over trying to help get her out. She got stuck at the shoulders. He couldn't get her to budge in either direction. I was exhausted, and I could tell I was pushing wrong, but I was so numb I couldn't seem to do it the right way. My Dr. was trying so hard to help get her out that her neck started to tear. After nearly 2 hours I began really praying and pleading for help to get this baby out. I felt strength come from somewhere else and I was able to push the right way several more times and got her out. My Dr.'s exact word were, "That was the worst one I have ever done, and I've been doing this a long time." I heard him tell Jared that after that experience I should get at least a whole year off of housework, maybe two years. I asked him the next day when he came to check on me if I had heard him right and he whole heartedly said "YES!"
After she was born my Dr. said there was no way she would have lived even if she had been born alive. She appeared to have Downs Syndrome and her stomach was bigger than the rest of her and it was hard. I didn't get to hold her as much as I would have liked because I got pretty sick right after. I started shaking uncontrollably, which can be normal for around a hour or so, but I finally stopped around 3 or 4 hours later. And then it still came and went for a while after that. I also came down with a fever of 101* despite the antibiotics they had given me. I also got really nauseated. I couldn't keep anything down and after a couple of hours they finally gave me something for that. I was pretty miserable to say the least. After the epidural wore off the pain meds didn't do much for the pain. Every time they had to massage my belly it was excruciating! The next morning My Dr. tripled my percocet.
That night after Sarah was born Jared and I had some time to talk. He told me that he has felt something wasn't right all along but dismissed it as fears. Well I had felt the same thing so I think the Lord was trying to prepare us for this all along. I has a blessing shortly before I had her by 2 men who had come to bring us the sacrament in my hospital room. I was told that I would raise her in the millennium. I also had a blessing after I had her by the counselors in my bishopric. I was blessed with a speedy recovery. I remember telling Jared that it was going to take a long time for me to recover after such a horrible delivery, and he reminded me of the blessing. Now here I sit a little over 2 weeks later and I feel a whole lot better than I anticipated. Thank heaven for the priesthood and for blessings we can receive because of it!
After going to the Dr. yesterday and having him call today with the rest of the autopsy results I am frustrated! We don't have any more answers than we had before. I know my Dr. wanted a pediatric specialist to do the autopsy, but that didn't happen. I feel the person who did it didn't have the knowledge necessary to get the answers we were hoping for. The report showed that it was probably an autoimmune disorder that took Sarah's life. That can be common with RH Disease, and I am RH negative, but I have had the RoGham shot 18 times (to read more about why so many times click
here) and there were no antibodies present so that was ruled out. They said that her organs were all normal as well, just all filled with fluid. Today when they called the chromosome test came back inconclusive. I wish we could have the answers we wanted, but for some reason we never will in this lifetime.
This whole experience has taught me that Heavenly Father knows me better than I know myself. I never would have gotten through this without Him or my husband Jared. I am so grateful for my knowledge of Heavenly Father's plan! Loosing a child, especially like this, has always been one of my worst nightmares. It's something I never thought I could get through. It was hard enough when I had sick ones in the hospital. I may not have all the answers I want, but one thing I do know is that Heavenly Father loves me. He knows what is best and there is a reason for everything. I am dealing with this far better than I ever thought possible, and I know it is because of my faith, my husband, and the support from family, friends, and ward members. Everyone has been so kind and thoughtful and that has truly helped! Thank you all so much for your love and support!
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| Sarah's feet |
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| Sarah's hand, my finger |
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| Sarah's hand and foot mold |
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| Sarah's burial dress |
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| Burial blanket Jared's aunt Tonia made. |
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| Itsy bitsy casket |
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| I was really trying to smile. |
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| My favorite picture from that day. Sweet Ammon. |
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| John, Isaac and Jacob |
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| I am so glad all that swelling came off. I just looked terrible! |
